Jan

posted by Doktor | January 5, 2017 | 2010's b-movies, Feature, Holiday films, Horror movies, Review by Doktor

Comments Off on The Twelve Slays of Xmas: The Twelfth Slay

Season’s Grievings from your friends here at The Lost Highway. 2016 has been a difficult year. We lost Professor Snape, Admiral Ackbar, and even Alf. We watched as the United States of Earth was divided down the middle in a vicious election which still threatens to end in a nasty divorce. There were devastating natural disasters and Russians hacking. It’s been a real bummer.

And now to compound things it’s the holiday season, the worst wonderful time of the year. “While everybody else is opening up their presents, (others are) opening up their wrists” because “the suicide rate is always the highest around the holidays.” (Kate Beringer, Gremlins). In light of this year’s events, and the weight of the holiday season, what’s a mutant to do?

This Xmas we decided to put together a little gift to answer that question, a list of advice gleaned from the reel world of b-movies. We watched twelve Xmas themed movies and learned twelve valuable lessons to help navigate life.

The Lost Highway proudly presents: The Twelve Slays of Xmas.

The Twelfth Slay of Xmas: A Christmas Horror Story

We’re finishing strong. A Christmas Horror Story an anthology with five stories so it’s a five-fer!

First: If you’re a teen fight all your natural urges. Lock yourself in a room and pray to Jesus until you’re an adult. Otherwise you’ll break into your school to film a documentary, or have the sexuals, or just be an insufferable jerk, and rightfully be murdered horribly. Or, worse yet, end up pregnant, a fate far worse than death, no matter how gruesome.

Second: Never trespass on someone’s property to steal a Xmas tree. There is good chance that the property is infested with evil, shapeshifting trolls that will kidnap your child and take his/her place. Once in your home the troll will wreck shop and kill everyone in its path. Just pay for a tree. They’re not that expensive.

Third: Don’t be a self-centered jerk family. Evil doesn’t really need a reason to destroy you, but it sure does make things easy when you’ve got the bastard equivalent of a neon sign pointing you out. When your whole family has said signs just kiss your butt goodbye. In other words, be good for goodness sake!

Forth: If Santa’s elves start acting crazy, like chopping into their own hand when offered a cookie, put those little monsters down. This is a sign of the elvish zombie infection and just like regular zombie infection, nothing good can ever come from a zombie outbreak. Aim for the head. Double tap.

SPOILER ALERT! If you haven’t seen A Christmas Horror Story yet stop reading and go watch the movie. There be spoilers ahead.

Fifth: If that last bit of advice seemed unrealistic, it was. Sort of. See, sometimes the infection isn’t “out there” in the world so much as it is inside one’s head. Sometimes life is a big M. Night Shymalan twist and what we thought were zombie elves are really just normal people, dressed in elf costumes, working crappy jobs at the local mall. Sometimes the truth is a regular guy, dressed as Santa, has flipped his lid and gone on a killing spree. So, before you’re all in on a sweet zombie stomping maybe take a moment to pinch yourself lest you later discover you’re not Santa, the elves are not zombies, and the light blinding you is headlights from the SWAT team about to take you out.

 

And there you have it: twelve days, twelve practical pieces of advice to help you navigate this crazy world, cherry picked from the treasure trove of therapeutic psychology that is b-movies and delivered by your friends at The Lost Highway. We hope you had a safe and happy Xmas and wish you all the best for the coming year.

Watch the trailer for “A Christmas Horror Story”

trailers

dripper
Jan

posted by Doktor | January 4, 2017 | 70's b-movies, Feature, Holiday films, Horror movies, Review by Doktor

Comments Off on The Twelve Slays of Xmas: The Eleventh Slay

Season’s Grievings from your friends here at The Lost Highway. 2016 has been a difficult year. We lost Professor Snape, Admiral Ackbar, and even Alf. We watched as the United States of Earth was divided down the middle in a vicious election which still threatens to end in a nasty divorce. There were devastating natural disasters and Russians hacking. It’s been a real bummer.

And now to compound things it’s the holiday season, the worst wonderful time of the year. “While everybody else is opening up their presents, (others are) opening up their wrists” because “the suicide rate is always the highest around the holidays.” (Kate Beringer, Gremlins). In light of this year’s events, and the weight of the holiday season, what’s a mutant to do?

This Xmas we decided to put together a little gift to answer that question, a list of advice gleaned from the reel world of b-movies. We watched twelve Xmas themed movies and learned twelve valuable lessons to help navigate life.

The Lost Highway proudly presents: The Twelve Slays of Xmas.

The Eleventh Slay of Xmas: Black Christmas

The call is always coming from inside the house. It doesn’t matter if it’s some random Friday night or Xmas eve, when there’s a killer on the loose with a penchant for calling his victims to terrorize them, he is ALWAYS doing so from inside the house. Moreover, the prevalence of cell phones has only served to further help the Phone Call Terrorist Psycho. Now the call can be coming from the same boat, train, plane (so long as it’s not taking off or landing), or any other number of places which heretofore had no phone lines.

So beware. The killer is calling from very close by, which makes sense because if he was far away he wouldn’t be much of a threat as a killer, would he?

Be sure to come back tomorrow for The Twelfth Slay of Xmas: A Christmas Horror Story

Watch the trailer for “Silent Night, Deadly Night”

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dripper
Jan

Comments Off on The Twelve Slays of Xmas: The Tenth Slay

Season’s Grievings from your friends here at The Lost Highway. 2016 has been a difficult year. We lost Professor Snape, Admiral Ackbar, and even Alf. We watched as the United States of Earth was divided down the middle in a vicious election which still threatens to end in a nasty divorce. There were devastating natural disasters and Russians hacking. It’s been a real bummer.

And now to compound things it’s the holiday season, the worst wonderful time of the year. “While everybody else is opening up their presents, (others are) opening up their wrists” because “the suicide rate is always the highest around the holidays.” (Kate Beringer, Gremlins). In light of this year’s events, and the weight of the holiday season, what’s a mutant to do?

This Xmas we decided to put together a little gift to answer that question, a list of advice gleaned from the reel world of b-movies. We watched twelve Xmas themed movies and learned twelve valuable lessons to help navigate life.

The Lost Highway proudly presents: The Twelve Slays of Xmas.

The Tenth Slay of Xmas: Silent Night

We here at The Lost Highway are firm believers in the Ancient Greek idea of moderation. Anything done to excess can become a problem. We’ve seen it time and time again. Case in point, a small town with a big Santa festival draws a large number of Santa impersonators. What could be wrong with that, you ask? Well, if someone is bug nut crazy and wants to go on a killing spree dressed as Santa—and who HASN’T had that thought, amirite?—, such a small town would be a great place to go a murdering.

So see, even something as innocent as a Santa Claus festival can have dire consequences. You may be waving your hands dismissing this warning as so much hogwash, but ignore this admonition at your peril. We won’t be so tacky as to say we told you so, but… we told you so.

Be sure to come back tomorrow for The Eleventh Slay of Xmas: Black Christmas

Watch the trailer for “Silent Night”

trailers

dripper
Jan

posted by Doktor | January 2, 2017 | 70's b-movies, Feature, Holiday films, Horror movies, Review by Doktor

Comments Off on The Twelve Slays of Xmas: The Ninth Slay

Season’s Grievings from your friends here at The Lost Highway. 2016 has been a difficult year. We lost Professor Snape, Admiral Ackbar, and even Alf. We watched as the United States of Earth was divided down the middle in a vicious election which still threatens to end in a nasty divorce. There were devastating natural disasters and Russians hacking. It’s been a real bummer.

And now to compound things it’s the holiday season, the worst wonderful time of the year. “While everybody else is opening up their presents, (others are) opening up their wrists” because “the suicide rate is always the highest around the holidays.” (Kate Beringer, Gremlins). In light of this year’s events, and the weight of the holiday season, what’s a mutant to do?

This Xmas we decided to put together a little gift to answer that question, a list of advice gleaned from the reel world of b-movies. We watched twelve Xmas themed movies and learned twelve valuable lessons to help navigate life.

The Lost Highway proudly presents: The Twelve Slays of Xmas.

The Ninth Slay of Xmas: Silent Night, Bloody Night

It’s common knowledge that a death, especially one that looks like an accident, that happens on Xmas Eve, always curses the house and the family living there. Furthermore, if the death is of the home owner, be sure to honor his dying wishes, lest you incur the wrath of (insert name of curse here).

What isn’t as well known, but should be, which is why we’re presenting it here, is: one should never house criminally insane people in your mansion. No matter how spacious the house, no matter how soothing the grounds, housing the insane is a recipe for disaster, even more so when you are concurrently housing all the town’s decadent rich scumbags.

We understand how hard it is to believe what we are reporting, but it is a fact. In summation: housing the criminally insane is a bad idea; housing the decadently rich is a bad idea; and housing both simultaneously is Lovecraftian level madness that will bring down the fiery wrath of Hell.

Be sure to come back tomorrow for The Tenth Slay of Xmas: Silent Night

Watch the trailer for “Silent Night, Bloody Night”

trailers

dripper
Jan

posted by Doktor | January 1, 2017 | 80's b-movies, Feature, Holiday films, Horror movies, Review by Doktor

Comments Off on The Twelve Slays of Xmas: The Eighth Slay

Season’s Grievings from your friends here at The Lost Highway. 2016 has been a difficult year. We lost Professor Snape, Admiral Ackbar, and even Alf. We watched as the United States of Earth was divided down the middle in a vicious election which still threatens to end in a nasty divorce. There were devastating natural disasters and Russians hacking. It’s been a real bummer.

And now to compound things it’s the holiday season, the worst wonderful time of the year. “While everybody else is opening up their presents, (others are) opening up their wrists” because “the suicide rate is always the highest around the holidays.” (Kate Beringer, Gremlins). In light of this year’s events, and the weight of the holiday season, what’s a mutant to do?

This Xmas we decided to put together a little gift to answer that question, a list of advice gleaned from the reel world of b-movies. We watched twelve Xmas themed movies and learned twelve valuable lessons to help navigate life.

The Lost Highway proudly presents: The Twelve Slays of Xmas.

The Eighth Slay of Xmas: Christmas Evil

Everyone partakes in the sexuals now and again—“it’s natural, it’s chemical, it’s logical, habitual” (rest in peace George). There is a line that when crossed things get dicey. One of those lines is exploring your Santa fantasies, especially the one where you do it in front of the tree in the living room, when the kids are in the house. Little Harry (or Harriette), the ever curious one, is bound to get up, having heard a noise in the living room, and walk in on a vision of Xmas no child should see. Therapy can only do so much. This is trauma that drives one to become a psycho serial killer who fancies himself a real-life Santa Claus or a b-movie critic. Ugh!

So have a little care and keep it in the bedroom where you can lock the door.

Be sure to come back tomorrow for The Ninth Slay of Xmas: Silent Night, Bloody Night

Watch the trailer for “Christmas Evil”

trailers

dripper

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